Ask Me If I'm a Grape

R.I.P. Charlton Heston

2008-04-15T12:50:00.006-04:00

"Oh my God. I'm back. I'm home. All the time, it was... We finally really did it."

-Charlton Heston as George Taylor, Planet of the Apes, 1968

Who Can I Turn To Now: An Adult Analysis

2008-03-08T21:44:00.011-05:00

I use to say that, as a teenager growing up, music was my best friend. I had friends that I hung out with, parties, weekends, etc., but when I really needed someone; I relied on Bob Smith, Steph Morrissey, Bernie Sumner, Ian Curtis , Davy Gahan, Marty Gore, and many others to help me sort out my teenage dramas. I still love those guys, but they lie. They are not the best type of friends to have. They tell you only what you want to hear: "boys don't cry", "I know I'm unloveable", "isolation, isolation, isolation", "my weaknesses; you know each and every one". They provided a ready form of negative reinforcement: "heaven knows I'm miserable now" i.e. we all are miserable. They provided a numbing fix of pathos that stopped me from seeking the counsel of a flesh and blood "friend". As a near middle age adult, I am still trafficing in self destructive, aural depressants. A quick assessment of some of MiPod most played songs shows a tendency toward desperation: Coldplay fixing me, Ryan Adams coming to pick me up, Mariah telling me we belong together-don't forget about us.

When the music stops, noone is there.

Where am I going with this...

DJ Starbunny™ Top 10 Songs 0f 2007

2007-12-22T12:11:00.000-05:00

I can't do "Top 10 Albums". The internet has ruined me and/or albums. Albums no longer exist (with a few exceptions to be noted at a later date). My musical landscape has been reduced to a series of 3 to 5 minute aural explosions. If the song is longer than 5 minutes, I'm looking for my next fix.

I can't call it Top 10 Singles. I'm pretty sure some these songs were not proper "singles". I don't listen to the radio, so every song I hear is a potential single on MiPod.

I now present my Top 10 of the year (as of right now, this very second) in no particular order:

Rihanna - Umbrella The musical equivalent of crack. Umbrella is my "Hips Don't Lie" of 2007: there are 6 different remixes/versions of this song residing in miPod, including a Diplo Remix, Acoustic, and a Cinderella Remix. This song makes like Mat Kear ney. Undeniable.

MIA - Paper Planes What's left to say about this that hasn't already been said. It makes like LL and delivers 14 shots to the dome.

Ryan Adams - The Sun Also Sets I'm not sure why I like this one over the rest of singles off a perfect album. It hits me like a brick. It's got more sadness than Robert John's eyes.

Kid Rock - Blue Jeans and a Rosary Let me qualify this up front by saying "I know it's kinda cheesy and I'm OK with that". This is a classic sing-along tale of redemption. Perfect for those days when you feel like nobody cares, because you only really need one person to care. I would be proud to hold my cellphone in the air at a concert during this song! Chuck Norris tears up when he hears this song.

Kanye West - The Good Life (Ft. T-Pain) Less gimmicky than Stronger and positive in a really believable way. Kanye (we're cool like that - I can call him by his first name) seems genuinely thankful for the hand that life has dealt him. And the PYT sample is genius like Stephen Hawking.

Bat for Lashes - What's a Girl To Do This song feels like a lonely cold winter night (with kick-ass BMX riding, animal suit wearing ghosts following you around your boring midwest town). Natasha Khan's voice is sweet like Krispy Kreme.

Alicia Keys - Like You'll Never See Me Again Classic smooth soul that is not normally my cup of tea. I guess I'm old because I feel the unsuppressable desire to refer to this as a "timeless classic".

Eddie Vedder - Hard Sun (Ft. Corin Tucker) Eddie Vedder comes in like a grape separated from his Jam joined by Sleater Kinney Brand Peanut Butter. Two of the most distinct voices in music. Two great tastes that taste great together. The rest of the Into the Wild Soundtrack is a giant nut filled turd.

Against Me - Thrash Unreal It's kinda like shout singing but it is impossible not to shout sing along. I think I read somewhere that this song is about addiction but whatever... It's no more or less powerful than any other pop song on miPod. The vocals are like a shouting, angry, young Robert Goulet (R.I.P).

Robyn with Kleerup - With Every Heartbeat I don't really know when this was released, but for miPod I got it in 2007. I think it was officially released somewhere in the world in 2007 so it qualies for my list. Former teen pop sensation makes good (or something like that).

Honorable Mentions: Elliot Yamin - Wait For You, Jay Z - Hello Brooklyn, Paramore-Misery Business, White Stripes - You Don't Know What Love Is, 50 Cent Ft. P Diddy and Jay Z - I Get Money (Remix), Justice - D.A.N.C.E., Guns and Roses-Chinese Democracy, DJ Khaled-We Takin' Over, NIN-Survivalism, Dizzee Rascal-Pussyhole, Omarion Ft. Usher-Icebox, Silversun Pickups-Lazy Eye, Amy Winehouse-You Know I'm No Good

Upon finishing this list, I realized there were a handful of start to finish perfect albums:

Kanye West-Graduation
Bat for Lashes-Fur and Gold
Ryan Adams-Easy Tiger
Alicia Keys-As I Am
Against Me-New Wave
Robyn-Robyn

Ask me if I'm a grape.

Do It Well Miss Platnum: Multi Cultural WTF

2007-12-14T01:02:00.000-05:00

I gotta say this is American influenced bubble gum pop gone awry, but it is amusing as all get out.

Give me the food indeed. Miss Platnum - Give me the Food

Save your rubles and buy it. Or not. Ask me if I'm a grape.

No Title

2007-12-06T08:11:00.000-05:00

Umbrella.

2007-10-23T21:13:00.000-04:00

Does everything have to be a joke?

Ask me if I'm a grape.

It's Groundhog Day.

2007-10-22T22:02:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning and found out via the internerd that the new Britney Spears album is coming out. Battling it for the number one position will be the new Backstreet Boys album. Let us not forget the new Spice Girls single! What year is this?!?!?!?

I am heading downtown to Tower Records on Newbury and Mass Ave tonight at midnight and I'm going to buy the new Britney and Backstreet on CD and cassette (so I can play them in my car-Ford Festiva). Oh, and I'm buying the Spice Girls cassingle. In the morning I'll wake up and - do - the - exact - same - thing.

In somewhat (un)related news, Punxsatawney Phil has his own friggin' website. Hit him up on Myspace, he has 39 friends. Not bad, FOR A GROUNDHOG!

Ask me if I'm a grape.

Hey Ho Lets Go?

2007-10-21T22:09:00.000-04:00

I watched The Ramones - Raw over the weekend. I had DVRed it off of VH1 classic about a month ago. It was a pretty standard life on the road snapshot interspersed with live footage. What struck me was how uncomfortable Joey Ramone appeared to be in his own skin. He was probably the most awkward creature I have ever seen on film. Don't get me wrong, I love the Ramones and can appreciate what they did for Punk™ (now with a capital P). I am just making a non-medical, post mortem observation: I think something was genuinely wrong with Joey Ramone. I don't know if he had an extra chromosome, or he had that giants disease or what?!?! I just know something was very odd about him to the point that, throughout the whole show, I felt really bad for him.

I know everybody already has every Ramones song ever made, so here is something that, to my knowledge has never been issued on CD or Itunes; 7" single only baby!

Joey Ramone and Holly Beth Vincent - I Got You Babe

Ask me if I'm a grape.

Alright stop, collaborate and listen...

2007-10-18T17:06:00.001-04:00

We take everything for granted. I don't want to get on my soapbox and tell everyone how thankful they should be for electricity, cable, cars, jobs, money, food, etc. That's obvious (or "OBVS" if your an internerd). Instead I present you with the Top 5 Unsung Luxuries of the Civilized World. Relish in the thought that without these simple truths the civilized world would be anarchy; an ubearable place to live.

Top 5 Unsung Luxuries of the Civilized World

The ability to stand in line - From an early age we are groomed to stand in line and wait our turn. We'll get what's coming to us. Let's face it, without this your AM trip to the local 7-11 or Starbucks would be like an ambushed Somali food convoy.

A good nights sleep - Without a good nights sleep people become irritable. Irritability leads to anger, anger leads to violence, and violence leads to the darkside (Credit: the Yoda in me). Why is a good nights sleep indigenous to the civilized world, you ask? Air Conditioning/heat - I know, this goes along with electricity, which I said I wouldn't mention, but have you ever tried to sleep when it's +100 degrees or -30. It sucks. Not to mention animal attacks and rival tribesmen with machetes. We sleep pretty easy.

Closets (and more recently plastic storage bins) - Without closets our stuff would be everywhere. It is difficult to imagine ample closet space in adobes and straw huts. A more recent development in the "stop stuff from being everywhere war" is the plastic storage bin. Instead of hoarding boxes to put stuff in you can buy plastic bins to "store more efficiently". You can even purchase color coded bins - red and green for christmas, black and orange for halloween. I wonder what effect the production of all these plastic bins are having on our environment; no I don't.
Holidays/days off - Plain and simple, if your job is working the fields, hunting to feed the family, gathering firewood so you don't freeze to death, or defending your piece of the jungle from attack you are not all that ticked that you have to work on Columbus Day. As a matter of fact, you're working on Christmas and Thanksgiving, too.
R Kelly's Wit and Wisdom - Nuff said.

The Dream featuring R Kelly - Shawty is the Sh*t

Rick Ross featuring R Kelly - I'm Speedin'

Ask me if I'm a grape.

Zoinks!

2007-10-13T15:45:00.001-04:00

I just watched the VH1 Hip Hop Honors. Here are the major discussion points:

Never has a human looked more like a real life Scooby Doo than Tracy Morgan.
Whodini pretty much ruled the night. People enjoyed their set more than any other (myself included). The 80s dance off at the end of the set clinched their place as highlight of the show.
Kool Moe Dee got fat.
Missi Elliot songs exist in a timeless vacuum. They sound so unlike anything else that they could be from the 80s or the 2050s.
Andre Harrell looked like a Jerry Lewis Nutty Professor clone.
I thought Skateboard P was a stupid rap name for Pharrell, but after seeing him on this show rocking the pleather backpack, it somehow strangely fits.
Busta Rhymes is a lunatic. Everybody rocks out to him because they don't want him to eat there still-beating heart and make a matching hat/hoodie combo out of their skin.
Wildstyle. Eh...
"Rumpshaker" and "No Diggity" might be two of the greatest songs ever. If we could share these with Al Qaeda, peace would be a reality. Like a modern day "Kumbaya".
With a couple of notable exceptions, A Tribe Called Quest really weren't in the same league as the rest of the inductees (I fast forwarded through the entire performance).

I am hip hop.

Wreckx n Effect-Rumpshaker

Blackstreet featuring Dr Dre-No Diggity

Ask me if I'm a grape.

Internet = Revenge of the Nerds 2.0

2007-10-10T12:46:00.000-04:00

The geek shall inherit the earth. The verbal abuse that was handed out to the geeks in high school has been exponentially increased and flipped by the geeks. The geeks were made fun of in front of their classmates; the geeks make fun of their antithesis in front of the world. Case in point: the below website from which the above photo was lifted. How many classmates did the orange guy above have to harass for God to turn him into an Oompa Loompa...

http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/

Incidentally, look no further than the above site for an insight into the inspiration for Saturday Night Live's new lackluster season. I present Exhibit #1 via Gawker:

Saturday Night Live 2007 Douchebag of the Year Awards

Since we're on the topic, two new ones from Kid Rock's "Rock and Roll Jesus":

Kid Rock-Amen (coming soon to a VH1 Top 20 Countdown and CMT near you)

Kid Rock-All Summer Long (current front runner for the 2007 award for best use of the word walleye in a song, with mad props going out to Warren Zevon, Skynrd, and Bob Ritchie)

In all honesty, both of these songs rule in a way the music elite will never come to terms with.

Ask me if I'm a grape.

Same.

2007-10-03T23:20:00.000-04:00

Dave Grohl, veteran Foo Fighter (pictured here, presumably on the set of My Name is Earl), is an amazingly talented songwriter. He has managed to write the EXACT SAME song 80+ times (according to my Ipod), and he has done it extremely well. With the exception of the hits ("This is a Call", "MonkeyWrench", "My Hero", "Big Me" which stand apart primarily as a result of clever videos), I could not tell you which album any of the songs came from. They all blend together seemlessly to create a body of work that is as cool as kelvin, but very difficult to differentiate from one slow bulding screamer to the next. The live show rocks, he has a "fun" public persona, and the songs are all sort of... well... same-ish. But in a good way.

He can even Foo Fighterize the McCartney out of The Wings.

Foo Fighters-Band on the Run (from the Comp Radio 1 Est. 1967 available sometime after now)

In fact, Dave Grohl is number 3 on my list of people I wish had Jerry Springer/Oprah style talk shows. Right after OJ.

Charles Manson
OJ Simpson
Dave Grohl

Ask me if I'm a grape.

I'll have the roast duck with the mango salsa...

2007-10-02T22:48:00.000-04:00

Watched the premiere of the "Cavemen" show. I want to like it. I really, really want to like it. I wish Larry David was the writer. I want more.

Britney Spears feat. Lil' Wayne - Gimme More (Dirty Pop Remix)

Ask me if I'm a grape.

Sometimes they're right.

2007-10-02T21:36:00.001-04:00

Those dorks on treadmills have nothing on the Bat for Lashes chick.

I didn't want to like it, but the Bat for Lashes album pretty much rules. I still don't get Feist, Klaxons, post-real-song Radiohead, Wombats, Animal Collective, Rufus Wainwright, Nelly McKay, Iron & Wine, !!!, and Deerhoof; just to name a few. It was necessary to say that to prove that I'm not receiving 7.2 million dollars from record moguls to plug Bat for Lashes' "Fur and Gold", thusly starting a whole new payola scandal that could threaten the record industry as we know it.

My only criticism: Bat for Lashes?!?!?!? Of all the band names... I wish we could go back to the days when band names meant something, like the Dead Milkmen or the Hoodoo Gurus or Sandy Duncans Eye or Duran Duran or the Geto Boys. Now those are some names that really make you think and bring some power to the music they are creating.

Bat for Lashes - What's a Girl To Do

Ask me if I'm a grape.

I'm tired of people judgin' what's real hip hop...

2007-09-25T22:26:00.001-04:00

The internet is killing the album. Puff Daddy came up in conversation today; it went something like this:

Other dude: Have you heard the new 50 Cent?

Me: Yeah, not so good. But the remix to "I Get Money" rules. Jay Z and Puff Daddy kill it!

Other dude: Puff Daddy?!?! Do you like Puff Daddy??? (condescending chuckle)

Me: Here's the thing with Puff Daddy, there is not an entire album I can stand, but he has some killer singles that I never get tired of...

Other dude: Blah Blah Blah...

The internet is great for Puff Daddy. All the albums are disposable; but in the age of the mp3/single, who needs the Biggie shout outs, the occasional Busta Rhymes yelling, and pretty much all of the Diddyness. I have put together the Essential Puff Daddy, all that your ears need.

"I'll Be Missing You" - I don't have ice water in my veins. He was missing his friend and I believe the sentiment was real. Best use of a Police sample?

"Can't Nobody Hold Me Down" - Welcome to the world of the sane, Mase (little did we know your stay here would be so brief). Great sample of a sample.

"It's All About the Benjamins" - Hands down the standout of Puff Daddy's career' his "Beat It", his "Helter Skelter", his "Satisfaction". It's all downhill from here (just as Jackson, McCartney, or Jagger).

"Bad Boy for Life" - Where did that guitar line come from!?!? It shouldn't work but it does. If they made a hip hop remake of Star Wars (like they did with Brandy and Queen Latifah in Cinderella), this would be Darth Vader's Theme.

"Last Night(One of the 5 Remixes from my Ipod) - Just when you thought MTV Making the Band had eliminated his ability to create another classic. Down, but not out. The only way I could have liked this more is if Prince actually (vice telepathically) produced it.

Puffy-All That Matters

What I believe: I believe Puff Daddy has created a handful of timeless singles perfect for short attention spans. I believe "Puff Daddy" not "Diddy". I believe he will have two more "classics" before he goes the MCA/Beastie route of the Dalai Lama. I believe his album with Ravi and Anoushka Shankar will yeild one of these new classics. I believe Puff Daddy can be relatively effective in small doses in remixes of other's songs.

50 Cent featuring Jay Z and Puff Daddy - I Get Money (Forbes 123 Remix)

Ask me if I'm a grape.

I have discovered the meaning of life.

2007-09-22T16:24:00.000-04:00

It exists in YouTube (obviously). Watch below and feel the existential questions of mortality evaporate from all dimensions that are inhabited by sentient beings. In layman's terms: This rocks.

Ask me if I'm a grape.

Darth Vader = Bob Dylan

2007-09-22T15:30:00.000-04:00

I watched "Factory Girl" this week. It was a good one time watch. Best part: Vader as Dylan. Worst part: Vader as Dylan.

I refuse to believe that Dylan was that noble and poetic in real life. This movie was made by a Dylan fan. For a minute I thought I was watching "Oh God: Book IV" with Vader/Dylan in the George Burns/God role.

I also refuse to believe that Warhol was that big of an a-hole. How could he be; he invented art.

Here's a song that supposedly was inspired by Dylan's dalliance with Edie. Ciao, baby!

Bob Dylan - Leopard Skin Pillbox Hat

Ask me if I'm a grape.

She's a little Runaway.

2007-09-06T16:55:00.000-04:00

Stylus has posted a rumination on The Runaways' non-hit "Dead End Justice". Great. Awesome song. What about the hip kids that have heard of The Runaways but haven't heard The Runaways.

Where do they get this music? At their local Musicland/Record Town/Camelot? Tower Records? Retailers are going the way of the dinosaur and the stuff is mostly out of print.

Mom and Pop Shop? If you can find a used store AND you have a turntable AND they have the vinyl, you better be ready to pay some real cash (ah yes, but the pride of ownership...).

I guess itunes is the way to go, right? No such luck. Of all The Runaways' offerings on itunes, I'm afraid "Dead End Justice" is not one of them.

Music is more accessible now than it ever has been, except it isn't. The beauty of "the jams" is in the details, and "Dead End Justice" is definitely "a detail" in the short lived career of The Runaways. The beauty of "the jams" cannot be measured by how many remixes of Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie" you have on your ipod (mine total 5, the Bamboo Remix being my favorite), but in the rock details that are available to those that crave them. The set up is always more interesting than the payoff (Batman Begins: training to be Batman > Batman fighting the Scarecrow thingy). What am I trying to say? Oh yeah...

The Runaways-Dead End Justice

Ask me if I'm a grape.

Beyonce Fell Down.

2007-09-05T18:04:00.000-04:00

I know it's old news but I had to "pop my grape" with something. This photo seemed like a good start since it has been lurking in my hard drive for a couple of months in search of a purpose.

Sort of like: "...why did you have to go and pick 50 eggs?!?!"
"It just seemed like a nice round number."

We all fall down sometimes, even Beyonce. You must not know about me - but we do. You're irreplaceable; we all are. I like to think of it less like a fall and more like Glamour Breakin'. Don't ring the alarm, this isn't going to be a hiphop/RnB blog (not that there's anything wrong with that). What will it be: we'll find out in time.

Beyonce-Irreplaceable(Irreemplazable)

Ask me if I'm a grape.